"It was her understanding, after all, that life was a matter of effort, renewed every day." Sue Miller from The Senator's Wife.
That sentence popped out at me -- it very succinctly described what life for me is now. Each day I wake up forcing myself to get dressed to go to a job that is monotonous and tiring. As I near age 57, I don't have the fearlessness to find new work. If I lose this job, there may not be another. Yes, every day is a renewed effort. And the looking forward is dimming....
I also realize that my life is shrinking. When we are young we dream of all the adventures we can have, the mountain hikes, the white water rafting trips, the backpacking through Europe experiences. And we DO them. At least I did. At almost 57, I can look forward to taking a bus tour of Europe or Australia or China. Maybe I can still ski, maybe I can't -- it's been 10 years. Oh, how about a cruise? That doesn't excite me or spell adventure AT ALL.
Now, I'm in bed by 10, because if I'm not, I am not able to work as well the next day. No more late night bar hopping, or late movie outings. I am ALMOST a senior - who goes to the restaurant at 5 p.m. to beat the crowds. I take painting classes - the ones where you paint the picture in one night? That's how exciting my life is.
I can't even THINK about retiring any more. That used to be something I looked forward to. Don't think I can afford it. Cancer has taken a chunk out of my savings as has a bad deal with my brother. And now, even staying in this lovely house of mine is in question. And will I be able to sell at a decent profit? Probably not.
Has corporate America succeeded in squeezing us middle Americans so hard that we have nothing to look forward to? I feel it. I have not felt secure since that company in Texas left thousands of workers without their 401Ks. Enron, was it? What's happened to them? Have they landed on their feet?
I'm thinking of moving to Canada. Will I freeze there in my advancing age? Or fall and break my hip on the ice? How about Mexico? Will I be able to make my little bit of money go farther? Or will Mexican drug lords rape and pillage or a hurricane sweep over my house?
My kids don't need me any more. As a mother, I am trying to adjust to not being the nurturer. Trying not to nudge and remind and cajole them to get their shit done - school, cars, jobs, insurance, pay their debts on time.... I"m sick of THAT job anyway! It is totally not rewarding and very stressful!!
I guess what I'm saying in summary is where has the zest gone? How do I get it back? How do I wake up EAGER for the effort of the day?
I must add, I am not depressed. I am very GRATEFUL for my life. I have survived stage 4 ovarian cancer, I have raised 3 pretty great kids who are just still finding their way, I have a lovely house in a lovely little town and a job that helps keep my little lifestyle. But it can't last, as my company is downsizing on this contract I am on and I am a likely candidate for the axe. I guess it is all making me prepare myself for the worst.
I'll know more on Thursday. If anyone has been here, done that and come out the other side, I'd love to hear...
Research and articles will be added as I either confirm my views on the squeezing of the aging middle class or find answers to my aging dilemma.
That sentence popped out at me -- it very succinctly described what life for me is now. Each day I wake up forcing myself to get dressed to go to a job that is monotonous and tiring. As I near age 57, I don't have the fearlessness to find new work. If I lose this job, there may not be another. Yes, every day is a renewed effort. And the looking forward is dimming....
I also realize that my life is shrinking. When we are young we dream of all the adventures we can have, the mountain hikes, the white water rafting trips, the backpacking through Europe experiences. And we DO them. At least I did. At almost 57, I can look forward to taking a bus tour of Europe or Australia or China. Maybe I can still ski, maybe I can't -- it's been 10 years. Oh, how about a cruise? That doesn't excite me or spell adventure AT ALL.
Now, I'm in bed by 10, because if I'm not, I am not able to work as well the next day. No more late night bar hopping, or late movie outings. I am ALMOST a senior - who goes to the restaurant at 5 p.m. to beat the crowds. I take painting classes - the ones where you paint the picture in one night? That's how exciting my life is.
I can't even THINK about retiring any more. That used to be something I looked forward to. Don't think I can afford it. Cancer has taken a chunk out of my savings as has a bad deal with my brother. And now, even staying in this lovely house of mine is in question. And will I be able to sell at a decent profit? Probably not.
Has corporate America succeeded in squeezing us middle Americans so hard that we have nothing to look forward to? I feel it. I have not felt secure since that company in Texas left thousands of workers without their 401Ks. Enron, was it? What's happened to them? Have they landed on their feet?
I'm thinking of moving to Canada. Will I freeze there in my advancing age? Or fall and break my hip on the ice? How about Mexico? Will I be able to make my little bit of money go farther? Or will Mexican drug lords rape and pillage or a hurricane sweep over my house?
My kids don't need me any more. As a mother, I am trying to adjust to not being the nurturer. Trying not to nudge and remind and cajole them to get their shit done - school, cars, jobs, insurance, pay their debts on time.... I"m sick of THAT job anyway! It is totally not rewarding and very stressful!!
I guess what I'm saying in summary is where has the zest gone? How do I get it back? How do I wake up EAGER for the effort of the day?
I must add, I am not depressed. I am very GRATEFUL for my life. I have survived stage 4 ovarian cancer, I have raised 3 pretty great kids who are just still finding their way, I have a lovely house in a lovely little town and a job that helps keep my little lifestyle. But it can't last, as my company is downsizing on this contract I am on and I am a likely candidate for the axe. I guess it is all making me prepare myself for the worst.
I'll know more on Thursday. If anyone has been here, done that and come out the other side, I'd love to hear...
Research and articles will be added as I either confirm my views on the squeezing of the aging middle class or find answers to my aging dilemma.
Jeez, I was a debbie downer when I started this blog. Granted, I was coming out of cancer treatments and recovery. I'm glad I'm a happier person today!
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